Adrian in the morning...

Beep beep went the sheep.

I'm having a "crazy" day. One of those days where I walk around and sing out of tune on purpose and let my voice crack and say things that don't make sense and make up words from some unknown space language...

Another day of back to back movies. You know... this is the true test. Festivals are the deciding factor to see if someone really wants to be a filmmaker. You would think that after a couple of movies I would be burned out and want to wash my hair in a toilet... but no, I'm still "truckin'". i enjoy watching movies, and I've always said, "Dang, I wish I could watch movies all day long and not have to do anything..." Well, now that's happening and I'm realizing that ISN'T what I want. I'm starting to feel useless and extremely unproductive. I like the movies, but sometimes I find myself wandering off (in my brain noodles), and I want to go work on my own movies or my friend's movies.

I've come to the plateau of wanting to work in production. I think I love it. I like pre-production and post, but I think I like production the most. That's weird. I always thought I was a pre-to-post guy, but when I sit down and STOP and think about it, I REALLY like production. I don't mind waking up when the sun does, and I don't mind working for like 20 hours a day. I wish I could be in production all the time. BUT....... Don't read this and think that I want to be in production all the time. Even though I just said that, doesn't mean I want to do it. "What does that mean, you're confusing me...", you might say. Well, this is what it's like aboard the Adrian Train. We ride on our own tracks and they're invisible and sometimes they do loops and U-turns and sometimes they plunge into the ocean or go straight up to the moon. Just try to hang on.... You'll eventually want off this crazy ride. That's what we think. And now I'm referring to myself as plural. I'm crazy.

Here's where I try to reason with myself, that usually ends up with me getting upset and eating.

I like production, but I don't want to do it. It's like having a "thing" for cheesecake. You can't eat cheesecake everyday, because you will explode. So the few times you get the privilege to eat it, it's SOOOO much better. I'd like to steal the phrase "pleasure delay" from Vanilla Sky. There are things on this earth that I enjoy so much... and I purposely avoid them until I almost can't take it anymore, then I give in and the cheesecake is that much sweeter. Pleasure Delay. So if I relate to production, it works the same. I'm sure if I worked on everybody's projects and was on set every weekend or all week, over and over, I might get burned out... I don't know.

I can honestly say I still like watching movies. Good, bad, weird... all of them. I also like to play video games, but I haven't played any for months. I miss it. I also like cheesecake.

So what do I want to do for the rest of life? Do I want to be an actor? I could be on set and enjoy the production from the opposite side of the camera! Do I want to be a PA? I can be on any set anywhere, anytime and have minimal responsibility, and just enjoy being a part of production. But that's a waste of the skills I have acquired! I can do anything and everything! If I'm PA-ing, that's wasting my talent! I guess I could PA to pay bills and work on my own work in between. Is that the norm? I don't want to be normal....

So crap. I have to leave now and watch more movies AFTER we find a parking spot... which is going to be hell on wheels.

Motivation... I have to get to work. 

Lemon is coming.

Soon.

Cheesecake.

Pleasure Delay.

Crazy Day.

Adrian and his thoughts.